Open When You Feel Ashamed

“I carry shame as if it is my second name

Stitched on my back for all to see.

The heaviness, the embarrassment, the pain

Visible to every naked eye.

My sins are tattooed on my skin

They’re all that I must be.

Where is my body, my character- where is me?

This thing consumes me

It’s now all I know, it’s my id.

Anger, frustration and confusion fuel my torment

This did not used to be me.

Even though I had sinned before, I didn’t let it define me.

It’s ironic how something I didn’t do is what changed the game

A sin against me, not my own, is what started this shame.

Now it is carved into my skin, my heart, my soul.”

This is a poem I wrote after my incident, a little dramatic, I know. I didn’t know if you felt this way, but if you did I want you to know you’re not the only one :) I still struggle with feeling gross and ashamed, BUT those are lies. You have to retrain your brain to remember what is actually true. You know what is true? You are not guilty. You are not at fault. What happened to you was an act of violence, not an act of sexual nature. That is not a representation of what sex looks like but it is what perverse violence looks like. You are worthy of love. You are not damaged. You are different, but you are not damaged. It took me a couple years to figure that out. You are loveable. You are loved. Your name is daughter, friend, cousin, granddaughter, sister, Daughter of the King, child of the Prince of Peace. You are not simply a victim or a survivor. You are Abbie. You are all the things you love. You are not what happened to you. You are light, beauty and grace. It’s okay to feel all the ugly things, just remember they are not the truth.

I recently made a social media post asking for responses from women who have dealt with sexual assault to message me and tell me things they wish they knew during their healing processes. I had 30+ responses from women who have dealt with the same thing as us. Out of those 30 responses, here are only a few responses that really impacted me.

“I wish I would have known everything was going to be okay and that I would still be worthy of love.”

“Something I wish I had known would of been time really does heal all wounds”

“I wish I would have known that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything to provoke it. I wish I would have known that it didn’t make me “dirty” or “ruined” or “unworthy” of actual love and commitment.”

“The abuse doesn’t define you. It’s not who you are. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to go through the bad parts of healing, the hate, the “I want to freaking kill the person” (not acting on it)”

“I wish I knew I wasn’t alone and I wish I knew not to blame myself. I stopped wearing cute clothes and leggings. I wish I knew my worth wasn’t taken from me. That I was still worthy of love.”

“I would have told myself then that what other people choose to do, whatever actions they take, are NOT my responsibility to carry. That just because a tragedy happened to me, I do not have to carry that shame on my shoulders.”

“I wish I knew it wasn’t my fault, and I wasn’t stupid.”

“I wish I would have known talking about it with people you trust helps. Having someone who you can call and talk to it about whenever it hurts again helps. Everyone needs a support system. It’s sad but we’re literally never alone. After I shared my story with some friends and others I trusted I found out similar or same things had happened to them. Having one or a few people who you can talk to day or night if u need to is important. The most important thing is that it’s never your fault. That can be a hard thing to grasp.”

“I wish I knew these experiences are not my fault. Regardless of circumstances, I'm a victim and didn't ask to be treated that way.”

“In the early on stages of dealing with that trauma, it was trying to figure out why I deserved that, feeling betrayed, and just feeling very lost, angry, gross, violated on top of the dealing with the physical pain this guy had inflicted. I would tell myself, as many others who have been through it learn, it was not my fault. It was not something I deserved.”

“I wish I would have known that yes, you ARE worthy of love and belonging! God’s love for you is so big and has nothing to do with you deserving it or earning it. It’s just His big Daddy heart that loves you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! He does not want you to suffer - yes, there is a partaking in the suffering of Christ, but it’s not a weird, twisted, “Oh, I guess I have to suffer like this for the rest of my life,” or, “Oh, poor me,” or, “Oh, I have to carry this burden all by myself. The weight of the world is on my shoulders.” Pardon my sarcasm, but really, Jesus isn’t calling you into false martyrdom or self pity. He loves you so extravagantly much and wants the best for you. When darkness snaps at you, always know that you get a much bigger portion of God in that exact area.

One of the most encouraging things I realized is that there will be a day where you don’t think about this.

Lemme say that again:

THERE WILL BE A DAY WHERE YOU DON’T. THINK. ABOUT. THIS.

Wow. There will be a day where the trauma will not cross your mind. Where it will no longer torment you. Where it will no longer make you pause or second guess.

Let God lead you there.”

These are some of the responses I felt like I should share. Everyone’s journey looks different, but you’re not alone. I received 30+ (I’m still receiving some responses) and these are just a few. Out of all the responses, every single one mentioned somewhere in our conversation that they wish they understood their abuse was truly not their fault and they didn’t deserve it. It's simply not our shame to carry. Now, and I can relate, we can truly see that it is not our fault. You, too, will feel this.