Open When You’re Mad at God

I hated God after I was raped. Are you feeling that, too? I don’t know, maybe you’re not and I was a little bit extreme in this area, but I will still share my experience.

Initially, I was pissed because I knew He loved me, so if He loved me how could He let something like this happen to me? Then, I was angry and full of hate because God has chosen to present Himself to us as a “He”... as a male. I hated ALL males. They have male privilege, they are bigger than us and stronger and entitled and disgusting. And this is how God chose to present Himself? To me, I felt like that spoke a lot of His character, that He related to males more than females and I hated Him for it. This made me TERRIFIED of intimacy with Him and the close relationship we once had. I felt like He was sure to betray me.

To elaborate a little more on the first reason I was pissed. Why was I raped? Why me? Why did I have to carry around this awful, ugly, heavy burden? Why did I have to go through this, and why does anyone have to go through this? Ultimately, why did God allow it to happen? I have come to a conclusion consisting of a few reasons and believe me, it took me a long while to get here. I ran from God for at least a year after everything happened, so no rush.

First, God doesn’t make bad things happen. He is good and only good things come from Him. Bad things happen because we live in a sin-filled world and people have a free will. Unfortunately, people make very poor decisions with their gift of a free will and these decisions affect everyone around them. The consequences can be very, very harmful, as we have first handedly experienced.

Second, God wants to have more than a superficial relationship with us. He wants to go DEEP and have a REAL, GENUINE, INTIMATE relationship with each of His children. In order to have that relationship, we have to go through things that completely break us and give us no option but to lean on Him and grow. This is why He allows bad things to happen to good people. He allows this pain because without it, we wouldn’t really need Him as much. This forms an unbreakable bond. During my darkest days, I was completely, totally, utterly isolated. I was betrayed, rejected, and hurt. I flinched away from any outstretched hands in my time of utmost need. I knew I needed a relationship, at least one real friendship, but I couldn’t seem to find it in any single person. A few people offered me the “I’m here if you need anything!” and though they genuinely meant it, that is not what I needed. I didn’t need or want a helping hand. What I needed no one could provide. I needed a deep, intimate relationship. Instead of an outstretched hand, I needed someone to crawl down into the trench I was stuck in, lift me up and help carry me out. And once we got out, I needed them to help me crawl, then walk, then run again. I needed someone to carry the weight of what I was carrying because it was crushing me. No human could possibly meet all the needs I had.

After several long, hard months, I was finally so desperate and so broken that I truly turned my burden over to Jesus. I felt I had no other choice. Surely enough, He came down, met me where I was, and carried me out. He carried me out and took my burden upon Himself as soon as I let Him. One of the things that helped me finally turn to Him was this: in the midst of my betrayal and rejection, no one in the world could relate to or help me, but I realized Jesus could. He understood the ultimate form of betrayal and rejection when He was hung on the cross. THAT finally flipped the switch in my head like “Hey, I really can trust Him because He really, truly, genuinely understands. He’s been through it- all of it.” So then I was like “Alright, man. Come and get me. I’m desperate and I’m done.” and He did. If I would not have been so broken, so hurt, and so isolated, I would not have turned to Jesus and had to depend solely on Him for everything. Because of all the turmoil, Jesus was and is the only reason I am here today. If I wouldn’t have leaned on Him, I wouldn’t be here and He and I wouldn’t have the relationship we do.

I tell you all of this, ultimately to say, where you’re at is okay. It’s okay to be mad and it’s even okay to hate Him. I can say this because I’ve done it and He doesn’t love me any less. Because I’ve dealt with these feelings towards Him we have a more honest relationship and a tangible one. I can talk to people about my experiences and share how the Lord still loved me and wanted me back after I spat in His face. He will always want you. So take your time, feel your feelings and talk to Him when you’re ready- or not so ready but have no other choice.