Unplanned Pregnancy

If you’ve seen me lately you may have noticed I’ve put on a little weight… and no, it's not all Prairie Pie (just a little bit lol).

Alyson Kay Photography

The past several months I have been dealing with an unplanned pregnancy that I have not talked about. It came as a shock to Matthew and I, and I have had a particularly difficult time dealing with it for the past several months. When I found out I knew I didn’t have to be excited, but I wanted to simply accept the situation. Instead, I found myself in denial, depressed, angry and extremely ashamed of all these negative feelings. I mean, seriously. I have felt like there was something seriously wrong with me that I couldn’t just accept it and move on. I haven’t been able to talk about it because anyone that has found out has been/is over the moon excited for me, yet I haven’t been. I have felt like a horrible mom already. Friends, family and even strangers have felt so connected and “in love” with my baby, but I can’t? Yeah, it’s amazing and a miracle and I get that this is obviously God’s plan which is so much greater than mine, but I just haven’t been able to get my brain on board for some reason.

Even more importantly than all this mess, I have been devastated that because of my mental barriers I haven’t been able to connect with my baby. I’ve feared he doesn’t feel loved. How bizarre and foreign, to be growing something inside me, yet feel nothing for so long? I’ve been terrified that he feels alone and knows my negative feelings towards my pregnancy, though not directed at him. I’ve known that when he is here we will more than likely connect and have a healthy, wonderful relationship one day, but it has been so hard. I’ve cycled through feeling sad, mad, confused continuously and have been desperate for answers. What can I do differently? How can I change my feelings? I just want him to feel loved, I know that I’ll be okay one day, but I just hate this for him and feel like a failure.

Since the beginning of my pregnancy I’ve been trying to work through all this with my therapist. She’s been amazing- helping me learn things about myself, leading me in truth and encouraging me to seek the Holy Spirit for healing. I’ve been asking God to help for months, with each passing week feeling more desperate and finding no answers. Finally, a few weeks ago during a session with my therapist, she suggested that my feelings may be rooted in something deeper than simply the lie I was focused on and trying to work through— “there’s something wrong with me”. She encouraged me to ask the Lord about this, so we invited the Holy Spirit in and He answered immediately. He showed me (and her) that I had not only agreed with this one lie, but with the demonic spirit of deceit. Throughout all my time in therapy I had realized that I’d agreed with some lies over the years, but had not known how deep this issue really went. I had allowed it to manipulate my identity and even torment me for far too long. We immediately rebuked this spirit in Jesus’ name and it left. I felt a physical release, a lightening in my body, immense peace and an immediate shifting in my mind. It was like everything literally fell into place at once and I kept thinking, “Oh my gosh. That was it. That was it.” It was unreal.

Pretty immediately I began making steps towards acceptance with my pregnancy and have since been able to connect a bit with the baby. I’m starting to feel excited to meet him soon. I do love him. I am still healing and I still struggle to talk about it, but the Lord has been SO GOOD to me. I am at peace and know my baby feels loved. I feel so loved by the Lord and know my baby has been loved all along, which is really all I wanted.

I am due pretty much any day now and am kind of in disbelief of how much the Lord has done for me. I could go on and on, but since that breakthrough in therapy a few weeks ago I have had substantial breakthrough after breakthrough. The Lord continues revealing His goodness to me on a daily basis, He keeps showing me my true identity and I feel so intentionally pursued and loved by Him. I have received words over the past few weeks encouraging me and speaking truth about my identity and who He is. God has been talking to me through our time together in the Word, through every single sermon at church, the women’s Bible study group I am in… and during this time I have even been healed of extreme physical pain in my back. I’m not joking, it’s been kind of insane. I’ve been overwhelmed in the best way, feeling loved, seen and taken care of, knowing my baby feels all this, too.

SO. I know this is a long post that goes pretty deep and talks about some ugly feelings surrounding an uncomfortable topic anddd I address some weird supernatural spirits and stuff to top it off, but hear me out. I’m sharing all this for a few reasons.

1. I really wanted to share the amazing transformation of healing that’s happened in my life. I think it’s super important to share our testimonies with transparency because they help bring truth and healing to others.

2. I want to bring awareness to unplanned pregnancy in the Christian community. It seems like kind of a taboo topic for Christian women to not be excited about pregnancy when it’s one of God’s greatest blessings. I don’t think we have to be excited or understand, but we do have to trust God and find our identity in Him— we can’t settle for the false identity and lies the enemy feeds us.

3. Just be mindful. This has been a really interesting thing to navigate, even as I’ve been healing. It’s a deeply personal thing (for me) and isn’t rainbows, butterflies and easy to talk about. I’m still learning how to talk about it tactfully and respond with grace while setting boundaries I’m comfortable with. It’s just difficult. I don’t think it’s your job to tiptoe around everyone else’s feelings (or mine) by any means. I do think a lot of people have gotten too comfortable making comments and/or offering unsolicited advice, so this is just a gentle reminder that you never know what people are dealing with.

Thanks for reading!

Special thank you to our friend and talented photographer, Alyson Denbow at Alyson Kay Photography for capturing this time for us to look back on.